insert clever title here

Another fabulous day...of homework. Grad school is SO FUN.

It rained all day long, first good rain of fall. I'd get excited if I didn't know we're gonna have about 180 more days of this. Maybe I'd be more into it if I had a woodstove to rock next to all winter long. For some mysterious reason, Subfinder keeps calling me even though I didn't renew this year. I'll admit I kinda miss that gig, there's some fun schools out there, but I'm glad I don't have to transport myself out to Beaverton, now that I live clear on the other side of town. I also don't miss defrosting my car, trying to unfog the windows, and jump on 26 in the rain...I'm not even sure how one would get from here to Beaverton, but I'm sure it's as bad as it sounds.

I'm wrapping up 12 hours hunkered over the computer. It's time to do something that vaguely resembles real life...whatever that is. I think I don't remember anymore. Thank God I had such an awesome summer. I'm holding on to that in these dark days to come.

reading reflection

Aww hell, why not. These things should have a wider audience, and my political commentary has been pretty minimal as of late...

"There is waning support for immigrants in the US", might be the understatement of the year, as one of my students felt the need to remind me the other day. She shared some of her "views" on the topic that I made a point of saying (politely) that I did not happen to share.

The topic of immigration is an interesting one that I have numerous opportunities to think about and reflect upon as it impacts my daily life in so many ways. Having been one myself at one time, I know what it feels like to be a stranger in a strange land. Being involved with immigrants in a variety of settings, I have heard quite a bit about how they feel about it. And living around other native-born "Americans" (for reasons of irony, I put that in quotations), I am often treated to their views of those who are new to this game.

I often find myself confronted with other people's opinions on the topic, most of which I find either very shallow, simplistic, or hypocritical. In case you haven't figured me out, I don't have a problem with immigration. As far as I'm concerned it's fine with me if people want to come here and give it a whirl. Fine by me. I happen to like diversity. It keeps things interesting.

hard to get it up

Sorry that sounds like a subject line the spam folder...but it's a good metaphor for how I feel about doing homework all day long on a Saturday. To be fair, I was warned that this term would be the hardest one ever, but one cannot underestimate how difficult it is to get motivated to spend one's day off doing nothing but homework and chores. In my case, it took some well-deserved sleeping in combined with a trip to the bakery and extended caffeine infusions to get the train moving out of the yard onto the rails. To say that I'm not feeling motivated or studious is an enormous understatement. The lack of innate enthusiasm is further compounded by the fact that I am fully aware that my ENTIRE natal clan is out frolicking on a beach in North Carolina at this very moment, no doubt sitting around, grazing on snacks, drinking a variety of adult beverages, telling tall tales, playing with kids, and socializing.

Okay, pity party over. I'm not cavorting on the beach. I'm in cold rainy Portland, a place I chose to be. Doing my chapter readings as any intelligent grad student would. Thinking about my unit plan as I rightly should be, considering that it's looming large. Wondering about the finer points of classroom management, as I will be expected to gain some competence in this endeavor. I'm merely living the life I've chosen for myself. As Jim Burke said in Chapter 22, "The problem is that I love teaching." I love it enough that I chose to spend my year this way...when I could be "having a life"...whatever that is.

As the saying goes, by any means necessary.

O-Tsukimi 月見

The moon, a playful glowing orb,
rising out of the west,
outshines the feeble efforts of the street lights,
and stirs the neighborhood cats,
like shisa 師子 coming to life, sentinels watching me,
to the west, mars winks knowingly as i walk under the shedding sequoia,
only the crunching of leaves under my feet disturbs the silence of the evening,
the air, soft and warm, comforts me like my favorite blanket,
a subtle smokiness to the air brings back memories of tales around a campfire,
Tonights, I feel like dancing, giddy and shameless in the deserted streets,
I feel like sitting out on the front porch all night
with a mason jar full of wine for company,
Like laying in the grass all evening by the river,
The way we did when we first met.

月見 25.9.07

ashita 明日"Jump in the Fire"

After plunking down about a hundred bucks (actually it had to be closer to $150, but i'm not trying to do the math), i've got a million new required textbooks and a new 9:00-6:30 wednesday routine. Naturally, once i got at PSU, the weather got real fucking nice. WHICH I REALLY DON'T APPRECIATE...

The one thing i did today that I'm proud of is I got my lesson plan for tomorrow pretty much done, and even have a PLAN B on back in case they don't go for plan A. There's some real rough edges in the room so we'll see if A: I can finish my lesson plan, and B: the "fun" cooperative learning activity sinks or swims. Tomorrow's my first day of student teaching where i get to do some up in front of the class teaching beyond the 1-on-1 stuff I've been doing...and yes I'm a bit nervous as of 8:30 the night before, but not as bad as I thought I'd be. We'll see how I feel about it tomorrow when it's real.

You'd think I would have no reason to be nervous--after all I taught a class for 4 years, but it was MY class, and i wasn't 15 year olds (my youngest student was 20). I have to do real classroom management now...which given the mix, oughta be "interesting".

If I'm still standing at the end of the day, and can run a flag up the pole, I'll celebrate then. For now, I'll hope for the best.

中秋節/Tết Trung Thu

a bright eye peeks over the eaves of my roof,
looks in my front windows,
the wind rattles the maple,
and woodsmoke dances in the alley,
on this cold night of the harvest moon

laugh or cry

today was a mortifying exercise in humility,
a timely and important reminder that the devil is in the details,
accidentally, i copied and distributed the answer key instead of the test,
a caffeine-free day combined with the full moon perhaps are contributing factors,
i don't know whether to laugh or cry,
but at least i wasn't escorted from the building.

...the moon is full, the moon is bright, i hope i get some sleep tonight

I heart Powerpoint

I cannot possibly express in words how much I love Powerpoint right now...
It's making my life soooo much easier.

Powerpoint, I love you. You rule.

ode to a butternut squash

Oh butternut squash,
Your pumpkin-y orange flesh and yellow-y rind,
so utterly like my neighbor's leaves
lying in the gutter, like boats waiting for the high tide of the rain's return,
I missed your summer of happy sprawling green leaves,
and bright sunshine yellow flowers full of bees,
But I happily partake of your offerings,
to celebrate the arrival of fall

thought of the day

e.e. cummings, La Guerre, II

Humanity i love you
because you would rather black the boots of
sucess than enquire whose soul dangles from his
watch-chain which would be embarassing for both
parties and because you
unflinchingly applaud all
songs containing the words country home and
mother when sung at the old howard
Humanity i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush your pride keeps
you from the pawn shop and
because you are continually commitings
nuisances but more
especially in your own house

Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
lifer in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down
on it
and because you are
always making poems in the lap
of death Humanity
i hate you

autumn's here

Tonight it really feels and smells like fall,
the air is crisp and cool, and smells vaguely of withered leaves and woodsmoke,
the sunset was brilliantly pink and gold,
and I found a bright moon was hanging out over my roof where the birds usually sit,
yes indeed, summer has gone down and fall is rising ready to take the reins (rains?) and ride on...

the whirlwind

today's stream of consciousness:

woke up this morning feeling a bit rough, like i got run down by a whole fleet of UPS trucks on I-5 heading out for Next Day Airs;
I got them dusk-at-dawn no coffee blues, some think I'm gettin' a bit too friendly with ginger tea, and not really liking that copy machine--or the smell of burnt toner;
I'm never quite sure what to do because it's hard to operate on 100 percent inference, to go from zero to 60mph, or to take the test before the class has started,
sometimes it feels like a circus or an overcrowded jail, the class of 35 may be loud but they're really not that bad;
sometimes i feel like a drunken accordion serenade on a windy day with crows circling around me clapping their hands and whistling like some kinda rude auction,
or maybe that's just all the stuff whirling around in my head like an overflowing recycling bin;
I'm so out of touch with nature right now and have no sense of which end is up, whether it's day or night, hot or cold, sunny or rainy, it's been a hard year in that sense being stuck inside a whole lot more than I would like;
the kids are fun: comical and disaffected, thorny and vulnerable, amusing and exasperating, surprising and predictable (even though sometimes they act like buttheads), i can't help but like high school kids because they're so entertaining even when they're trying so hard not to be.

feeling better

I've been feeling a lot better today. Maybe it's the doings of this vile smelling potion (that fortunately tastes quite a bit better than it smells...). Maybe it's the bottle of lemon ginger echinacea that I drank...or maybe it's just totally random. Either way, I'm fine with that.

Germania!

Today's Saturday excursion was a trip over to the Oktoberfest @ Mt. Angel. Seeing the Abbey parked on the top of the hill overlooking the valley reminded me of the Abbey in St. Meinrad. I guess it's not a fluke, the similarity between the two--they're the same order. We parked across the street from St. Mary's, a huge Catholic church that looked like something straight outta Ferdinand, and immediately saw a tons of people rocking really rad suspenders, lederhosen, a variety of hats, and of course the Oktoberfest girls rockin' aprons, vests, and dirndl dresses.
We strolled on over to the biergarten where the oldtimers were dancing to polka music accompanied by overpriced beer. Out in the streets, a peculiar cloud of the mingled smells of sauerkraut, grilled sausages and artery-clogging fried foods competed with the smell of strudels and other cinammon-y deserts. Sitting there watching father/daughter dances, reminded me of listening to my grandfather play the accordion on Friday nights when I was a kid.

Probably the only time since I've been in Oregon that I saw anything the reminded me of Southern Indiana...

the first plague of the year

I knew it wouldn't take very long to succumb to some sort of malady, but I wasn't expecting it to strike on the second week of school. On Wednesday, I noticed that I was coughing quite a bit more than normal. The sky was kind of heavy and oppressive and I had blamed it on that, but it hung on throughout the day, and I came down with that feeling that you get when you just know something ain't quite right. Urrgh. Thursday came along and my stamina tanked, and about halfway through the day, I felt like curling up on a couch was about all the more I felt up to. I didn't...but maybe I should have. By 7th period I was feeling downright dizzy and couldn't hardly remember anyone's names.

Everyone's been telling me their horror stories of their first year of teaching and being sick all the time. I decided to take the hint to stay home, sleep until my body felt like joining the waking world, and getting some work done on my looming work sample. I also made a point of going over to New Seasons and getting some potions and tea to keep me alive during this intense phase of graduate school. I need to take better care of myself...

mad lib stream of consciousness with a touch of mojito

To be, or not-- that is the glue that binds us to here and there and everywhere. In a universe of flaming distant stars like a veritable forest of light and gas, do I exist, do these words mean anything at all?

The slings and eggs of flimsy fortune are like all endeavors, really, what ever lasts beyond here and now? How does something become timeless? Can it? What is memory and how exactly is it different from imagination and outright longings for whimsy?

A sea of veins opened up and flooded the world with longing. In this day and age of structure and routine the only thing that keeps us alive is tripping over our own absurd longings and being forced to confront them.

To die is to detest. Truly to hate is to die. Tis better to live and forgive, than hate and exacerbate. Life is too short to hold silly grudges whose origins are lost to obscurity, whose very meaning has faded beyond legibility. No more; and by a detest to say we end this veritable sham of judgement.

That flesh is the lithographer, the lines of my experience are carved into the stone of my body, my scars, my calloused hands, the lines of worry and regret. These are all etched by the acid of my struggles, the bitterness of my wounds. The best of teachers.

There's the tin can; too many things are disposable and we barely think about how they came to be here and what purpose they really served. Indeed it is the lack of intention and continuing usefulness that is the root of all careless forms of evil that thrive in the world. Convenience and utilitarianism are not the same.

When we have flamboozeled off this definitive coil, we will all be much more in tune with the laws of the universe and thereafter cease taking ourselves too seriously.

Einstein would have believed Peterson's theory--the quote on the wall said that great minds are often attacked by small ones. I think they both would agree that great minds are too often squelched by hopeless insistence on conformity and order.

In other plums, we all fall from the tree and land precariously, shattered and bruised, waiting to be crushed underfoot. But inside every wounded body is a seed of hope that it waiting to sprout again when conditions are favorable, after a long period of cold and rain.

The laws of stocking states that random objects will appear even when objects disappear at a predictable rate; this demonstrates an unconscious urge towards entropy in all things, even inventory. Who knows whence the random item will reappear in a non-logical position, yet it was intentionally introduced into the set.

Einstein revealed that every observer ought to extrapolate every light music to move us not at speed c, because light music is the worst possible excuse for instrumentation. If you don't know how to play, make sure you do it loudly.

No matter how fast you vilify, there will always be a new enemy, whose proper epithet escapes you.

Extrapolate this at a resting state. It is ephemeral and elusive, like the grasp of summer.

whiskey vomit

Reading the short story by Jimmy Santiago Bacca in class this week reminds me of something that happens on the way home from class...the wonders of riding in unairconditioned city buses on 90 degree days.

Those of you in the know can probably relate to what I'm about to say:

Generally, riding the bus ain't so bad, really. Trimet's pretty decent as far as things go...lord knows I've seen worse. And I love having the time to meditate on the meaning of life, read books of my choice, and work on poems. But there are the downsides of course, as with any public accomodation. One of them is that combining the masses with heat makes for a most unpleasant sensory experience: bus funk.

On the unairconditioned bus, even with all the windows open, you end up sweating profusely. All your clothes stick mercilessly--to your skin and to the seat. You dread brushing up against everyone else. Eventually a critical mass of competing body odors coalesces (combined stale smells of long term cigarette smoking, effects of various perfumes and alcohol consumption exudes from hopelessly dilated pores), overwhelms the defenses of the senses, and induces grinding clamor of nausea. Airconditioned buses fare little better, as the theoretical benefits of airconditioning are vastly overwhelmed by the force of combined body heat of writhing middle school kids and a veritable legion of carbon dioxide-spewing cell phone users. It seems, in fact, that any movement whatsoever induces a chain reaction of accelerating heat.

Yes, riding the bus to PSU and home hasn't been the most delightful experience. I'll be grateful for the relief of the Pacific Northwest rains that should be coming to obliterate the last of these sun-shiny days.

tales from the back of the room

Still another hot summer-like day. I sat outside with Emily at lunch with a backdrop of zinnias buzzing with bees and the antics of teenage boys who in spite of their remarkable homophobia, tend to be very prone to grabbing each other.

Is it just me or do the sophmores seem like they're starting to settle down a bit? The tenth graders seem like they're starting to come out of their summer personas and starting to act more like real students. The affectionately-named "Class from hell" didn't even seem all that bad today. Still a bit too much whiny-ness for my taste (a pet peeve), but way less negativity. A certain trio of immature teenage boys still feels the need to contribute a lot of unproductive talk and off-task behavior, no doubt intended to "liven up the class atmosphere", a need only they perceive to exist. But even this is decreasing, ever so slightly. It would be fabulous if the unproductive comments were outnumbered the useful things they DO contribute to class. However, at the time of writing, the score is still 2-1, but there's always a chance for a comeback by the second half). In honor of their heroic-if-amateur efforts, I have come up with some names to go with the roles they seem to want to fill and enjoy playing: "Devil's Advocate", "Addicted to Noise", and "Gasoline on the Fire".

They seemed to do well on their first vocabulary quizes of the year. Although I tried to talk one kid into doing the vocabulary section he had left blank, I guess he wasn't in the mood and elected to leave it blank. As they say, "You can lead a horse to the water...", (an expression I have often found myself using to describe the
behavior of high school boys).

I got to bust out one of my tentative recently-learned Ken Peterson moves on a kid today. I caught him doing something that personally bothers me (now that I'm older and wiser)--writing on the desk when he thought no one was looking at him. Then he turned around and saw I was looking at him. He held the stare to see if I'd look
away but I converted my "simply observing" look into something closer to "the look of death". He turned back around but kept at it, so I decided to go for it, got up, walked over to him and dropped an "I-message" on him. To his credit, he stopped fooling around, and didn't grumble or complain or make any comments. It was gratifying and fun to see it work. I so rarely get to catch kids "in the act".

I can't say it enough--Practicum is such a fun class. It reminds me of a much larger version of the extended-day program I used to work at when I was at Marshall, only during the day. It amazes me how well such a large group stays on task. Due to the more individualized nature of the class, you develop a slightly different flavor of
relationship with the kids...it's more like an elective in that sense. Now if I could only learn the names of all those girls. There's so many of them.

Speaking of girls, there's one who seems to need a little extra attention. Since she popped on my radar, I've made a point of checking in with her a lot during class just to make sure she's keeping up with what's happening. I don't know if
she's having a rough transition to high school or if she has other stuff going on, but she seems like someone who could use some extra keepin'-an-eye-on.

Anyhow, that's my thoughts about today's events and perspectives from the backside of the room.

brain drain

Hard to get motivated to write at the end of these long "brains-on" days. This is a pretty intense time in my life, so I really should try to make a better effort of recording my highly subjective impressions of student teaching for posterity.

a bit more like this

cool wet mornings of early fall,
it truly feels like summer's over,
for the first time, and it's,
back to school, and all of the madness I have,
no idea what i'm getting,
into but it feels,
so incredible to be,
here

Frosh

Today was the first day of the back-to-school blitz, freshmen-only. Kinda weird being back in the shuffle, but at the same time it feels very comfortable and I feel like a piece in the puzzle, perfectly ready to fit in somewhere.

Aside from attending some of N's freshmen-filled classes, I spent a lot of the day working on ideas for my unit plan (This sure is a big project and I want it to be good). Right now my goal is to try to keep things interesting without going into college-level depth. It's a challenge of its own.

Seeing all these lost-looking faces wandering the halls brings back memories of my own high school experience. Being in a completely new school with a new group of kids sure was intimidating, as I recall. It took a few months to figure out the lay of the land, and socially the whole experience was rather bewildering in some ways. I remember my classes only vaguely, the main impression that sticks after all these years was how I felt as I had to navigate a new playing field, and to be honest, it wasn't usually the most competent of feelings.

As my first week of student teaching kicks off to a start, I realize that I feel a lot more sure of myself than I ever did as a student; but I'm sure I'll have my ups and downs with this, (like anything) and there'll be times when I feel like I don't know which end is up.

And on a similar note, I can't help but wonder how my old crew of sophmores is doing...I bet they've grown so much over the summer I wouldn't recognize them if I saw them out on the street. Since they won't be eligible for tutoring this year, I can only hope they learned a few things about how to do it on their own, and will carry the lessons with them...aiya.

It's a nostalgic feeling, indeed, the back-to-school ritual. Oh yes, indeed.

Timothy Lake Labor Day Trip

Today and tomorrow, we are going on a short little overnight trip to Timothy Lake, which is a part of the Mt. Hood National Forest. I really wanted to go camping somewhere for the labor day weekend, but we didn't have anything planned or reserved, so I was pleasantly surprised that we were able to go here, out by Mt. Hood, something I've been wanting to do ever since I've moved up to this end of the state, but haven't gotten around to yet.

That's the thing about Oregon...there's so many places to go and see that you could live here your whole life and never see 'em all. What's amazing is that there's so many places to go camping that are relatively close by. I love it.

Timothy Lake lies at about 3000 ft and is approximately 1500 acres, so it should be nice and cool up there. It is a popular fishing lake and various people have told me that allegedly no motorized craft is allowed, so it should be relatively quiet. I'm all about quiet. Along the north shore of the lake, there are lots of inlets to explore, and might be full of crawdads, which are always fun to watch. A major inlet, Copper Creek, and an unnamed creek flow into the lake. There is a footbridge that crosses the creek 1.5 to 2 miles from the start of the inlet. From the lake, there is a great view of Mount Hood. Mt Hood's been pretty hard to see from Portland so I'm looking forward to some close and personal Mt. Hood time...I'm supposed to be doing the "Mountain Meditation". This should help.

This is the last hurrah of summer. After this it's all about back to school, in all of its school-like glory.

the waning days of summer

"Any day that I get to eat corn on the cob is a good day", I said as I sat out on the porch looking at nothing in particular across the street. Not too many chances to do this left in the year. Soon enough it will be cold and rainy.

I'm saying goodbye to the summer. August is officially gone now. The blackberries are withering and drying up. The air has that feel it gets just before fall. I'm painfully aware that this fantastic lull of vacation is about to come to an abrupt end. Soon enough these lazy days of riding my bike and scoring apples will be over, and instead I'll be grading papers, writing papers, and reading books that aren't necessarily of the fun variety.

Ah, it never lasts long enough...

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Bryan, wherever you are. I'm thinking about you...