June 2003

2003 Jun 02

today was way less than optimal. i tried to go get a copy of the police report, so a 45 minute bus ride and a dizzy walk (what's up with the motion sickness and crappy headache i've got allofasudden) over to 201, only to find out that they want $15 for each copy. shit. i was not anticipating this.

what else was there to do, but go home. on the way back, i stopped by the map room. it's gone. there's some guy in there who bought the place, and he's planning on opening it as a coffee shop. it's probably going to be too yuppified for me. whatever. at any rate, it won't be open 24 hrs, and it won't have cheap beer either. i guess those days are over for good. it's just as well i suppose.

bus karma was with me and it came right as i came to rest on the steps of the library. it was one of them old school numbers again. when i got home, i fell into bed. i do not feel good. when i woke up it was time to go to work but i still felt like shit. worse still, it was raining, which means a 3 mile bikeride in the rain. the essence of fun. i didn't get real far from home before brian came and picked me up. what a nice boy. oddly enough, once i got to work, i started feeling better. maybe it was the juice, or the tea, but i definitely felt less brokedown. i'm definitely sick though, this ain't no allergy...it's a summer cold/sinus infection/bronchitis type thing. yuck. i feel cosmically shafted.

nobody lives here named that

2003 Jun 03

sick as hell. i can sleep boston marathons through pounding and banging construction-iness. substances injested today: drugs, zuchinni squash, lemon balm, vegan sausage, echinacea, lemon juice, raspberry pancakes, ginger, mint tea, avocado sandwich on pita, fennel.

matt's trippin' out lately, getting all irresponsible (leaving doors open, etc) being unhelpful for roofing work, and getting completely dramatic and defensive when called on it...too much arguing going on around here. i hate arguing. it makes my head ache.

not much going on with me. i'm just sleeping like it pays the bills...didn't go to work, so other than dropping off sushi in the morning, i must admit i haven't done a thing today other than take a bath in rosepetals.

weather's beautiful though...it's very cool for this time of year...somewhere in the 70's, i guess. i'm all about it. don't know how well the peppers and okra and eggplant feel about it though.

that's all the awake time i feel like having today. goodnight.

it's rough out in them seas

2003 Jun 07

been feeling like shit, lately. i had felt better on friday but blew it by too much travel...still ain't been paid. it's been too long. when i woke up this morning, i dragged my ass on over to melissa and will's yardsale. there were lots of people there including liz and ella. we had a chat about her situation...all i know is i hope she does the right thing, and what is the right thing? i think that may include thinking about herself once in awhile, too. after that i finally found some bamboo...bamboo is better than yardsales. had a hell of a time hauling it home. went back to bed, then woke up and drifted on over to the medmart and got some falafel. read a good bit of shawn's "ask vance" book. basically that's the lowdown on many of the weird things you see about memphis, and just wonder "WHY?". Slept some more when I got home. You can't imagine the personal joy that ensued when Brian called and said, do you want to go to Abyssinia? After that we watched hearts in atlantis which is a cool fucking movie...then, there's that ol' sleep thing. Seem to be doing that like a champ. Wonder if anyone pays you...

it feels like my damn living room in here

2003 Jun 08

pretty slow day. couldn't do too much because brian was down and out, so we just laid around at overton all afternoon, which isn't a bad way to kill time. didn't make any fucking money either...the weekend was complete waste of my time and money. we ended up going over to kaya's to watch animatrix again (my fave's are the detective's story, and the one with all the kids and the "haunted house") That shit makes me miss the hell out of japan though...(the story with the haunted house), god they fucking think of everything--right down to the can of orange pulp drink...and the construction site sign...jeez, it all comes back...

they hadn't seen the matrix yet, so they were all going to see it later. figured it wouldn't hurt to see it again, maybe i'd catch more stuff this time around since i don't have to keep up with the plot. riding in the back of kaya's van is like sitting in my damn living room, it's insane.

the center of the universe is in my socks

2003 Jun 09

the trash truck that passed me on southern was so putrifyingly nauseous that i nearly threw up several times while trying to ride my bike across the railroad tracks. it's gonna be a rough day, kids.

jesus antichrist is up to something: "another night made to forget. forty two dollars later all appears relevant. prayed for sunshine, now its humid. perhaps tom orrow will bring light upon my eyes. this drunken poet needs to crash"

Saw a job posting for the law library at the U of M. Figured I'd apply for it too, so I went over there first thing, and put myself through the hell of Jones hall once more. I've done this before...surely there's an entry from Sept/Oct 2000 that will sound appropriately disgruntled.

"all daydreams end with obnoxious sound, broken guitars only bellow sad songs, i threw a bottle in , no one wrote back, those waves had to have been travelin along way, they kinda looked tired, anywhere but here"

It was as bad as I remembered. Maybe worse. I had to fudge my way through an excel proficiency test. I've only ever used excel to print out my pickup schedules, so don't call me a pro or nuthin.

Naturally this test was all about financial shit...great. the computer crashed 3 times. I told the woman in charge that as far as I was concerned, she could put it (the computer) infront of the next in/outbound norfolk and southern. Somehow I got an 87%. This may be more trouble than it's worth.

"sixteen miles of ice cold cement, a thousand miles and running, compelled to walk on avenues where i stand silent, staring at some rusted swingset i often refer to as the past, wishing that for one breath i could feel it again, but only one breath."

My 2 hour ordeal came to a finish when they told me about the pay and benefits, neither are exactly stellar, but from where I'm standing, it just doesn't matter much anymore. I don't think I can get the kind of dignity I need in life from any fucking job.

"Lucero, screaming in my ear from some jukebox in some bar, some guy named don gill, sits back and sings songs that i recollect dancing to and never feeling more alive, so why am i still fucking sitting?

Did you ever get to a point where a lot of things that you are doing feel ridiculous? What if you felt that way for the better part of a whole year?

"standing alone, piss drunk at the corner of all sins, unable to find redemption; searching the stars for st. christopher, at this point it no longer matters if his hand caressed me or crushed me; im already crushed by my own confusion"

Sometimes I wonder where this will end...Right now I don't think I know any of the answers to anything. The older I get, the more i realize that I don't know nothing.

"arrived here, staggered into some bar i had been to a thousand different times, they all look alike ya know. that film of chainsmoke, pulling tears from eyes. "a glass of ice water and a lager please" i think ive said that everywhere that ive been."

The old days are gone forever. They're slowly but surely destroying everything I've ever loved in this town.