A PRC Christmas

While we're on the subject of Christmas, and since nobody's asking, this is what the fabulous and shady representatives of the PRC would want under the tree during the season of capitalist gluttony, not that anyone's really gonna go there:

1. Socks. Seriously, a serious revolutionary can never have too many socks, especially socks that can take some abuse. Those multi-packs of warm socks I saw over in the Guns-n-Ammo aisle at Bi-Mart would do quite nicely.

2. A Woodstove: writing revolutionary manifestos is rough during the month of December. Both the hands and brain are busy shivering. Some nice toasty heat would be nice, and nothing says ambiance like fire (gives me warm and fuzzy feelings about all those molotov cocktails I tossed in my youth). While I'm holed up in my cave waiting for the collapse of civilization, I'd like to park in front of a woodstove with some wood I chopped at the end of last summer and the complete works of Karl Marx.

3. Tea: The only thing I like better than socks is tea. What a wonderful beverage concept: just add hot water and stir. I can stick it in a thermos, a mason jar, an actual tea cup...good times, and who doesn't need antioxidants when you're busy fighting the forces of oppression?

4. Hello Kitty or Doraemon Butt Pillow: Yes, I'm sure there's a more elegant way to put it, but what I'm talking about is a butt-pillow, a square cushion with elastic carrying straps, that comes in perky cartoon character colors, just the sort of thing no self-respecting revolutionary would be caught dead with...but after a few years of commuting with the masses, I really don't care how much street cred I lose by being comfortable while Tri-metting. I think Che would agree. I don't think they sell these outside of Japan, so if you see one turn up in Goodwill or something, let me know, a'ight?

5. More books (and time to actually read them). Read anything interesting? Bored with it? Send it my way. Fiction, non-fiction, science fiction, it matters not.

6. A real compost bin: I'm tired of my ghetto faux-compost bin. I'm ready for something that's less likely to offend the bourgeoisie. Another Earth Machine would be nice. A tumbler would be deluxe.

7. A Stanley Thermos: Odes could be written to this indestructible friend of the masses. You could drop it off the roof, run over it with a tractor, it matters not, it would still keep on going. I still haven't gotten over the fact that I left mine at some school in Beaverton. Hopefully another one will come into my life (to stay) someday. If I ever do get another one, I'm installing a homing device...

8. A wine corker: Not the thing you take the cork out with (I could go over to Plaid Pantry and find one of those), what I want is the thing you put the cork in with. Doing it by hand sure is hard. I manage...barely.

9. A cellphone signal blocking device. I guess they're illegal, but who cares? What person wouldn't give all they own to turn back time to that blissful age when you could spend time in public without being forced to overhear the sordid details of everyone else's pathetic lives? I, for one, would love to have my very own 50ft radius of cellphone-free tranquility. No more inane conversations on the bus, and at school, all those little raging adolescent under-the-desk text-fiends would be SOL. Life would be endless bliss with one of these. Operators ARE standing by.

10. If the revolution had a soundtrack, it would certainly be Godspeed. The problem is finding suitable recordings. If anyone knew of a reliable source (capitalist or otherwise), I'd be all ears.