Are You Afraid To Be Different

"Are You Afraid To Be Different?"

Today's topic seems pertinent after spending quality time around high
school students, fresh out of middle school.  As I remember it, 6th
grade was the first time that I felt the strong need to fit in with
the other kids...whatever that meant.  It only got worse from there,
and by the time you in 9th grade, the opinion of your peer group is
the strongest force in your life.
Unluckily or maybe luckily rather, I couldn't fit in, (not because I
had some glaring external difference that could not be overcome, but
because my very nature demanded that no matter what the cost, I would
never be able to succeed at doing something my heart wasn't in).

"On the path of evolution, we move from being a willing and obedient
member of the group to wanting to take control over our own lives."

One of the teachers had given a writing assignment on "passing judgement on others".  The students I was working
with were not able to perceive that they judge people at all, and even in exploring the ways in which people are
judged, they didn't seem to make the connection.  Maybe some day they will...but anyhow it got me thinking about
how this all relates to my current project about biculturalism, the process of "fitting in" and the process of
"being yourself".  I was talking to my friend about racism the other day, and I think it's amazing that she's
actively teaching her students that using racial slurs and calling people "fags" is not okay, and actually teaching
them why it's not okay.  It all relates to how we judge each other and what purpose it serves to do so.  The other
night we had a discussion in class about racism, and what we think automatically, when we see people.  High school
students tend to think that anyone or anything "different" is weird.  While hard pressed to define what weird is, it
ultimately sounds a lot like individuality.  In high school at least, to be brave enough to be different from others
is having the courage to be perceived as "weird". 

Andrew Schneider says, "At this point we are afraid of being ourselves.  We are afraid of being unique and different. 
For all of these things stand against the old ways that told us that conformity was right and individualism was wrong".

Individualism is exaulted as a higher state of being in America, to an extent that is not desirable in other settings.
The authors of these statements probably accept individualism as the ideal, but this elevation of individualism is not
without controversy.  In my own life, I tend to see it as being neither bad nor good.  Either individualism or conformity
when taken to its logical extremes, can be very harmful.  Conformity is what causes otherwise decent people to do heinous
things as a group, and individualism makes people oblivious to how their actions affect the lives of others.  At one extreme
you have a timid type of oppression, and the other end, blindness to your own selfishness. 
Learning to be yourself is very important, but I think almost as important, is learning to be yourself in a way that isn't at
the expense of others.  My contention is that purpose is far more important than the forms we use to express who we are.  Being
able to manifest purpose should be the ultimate goal of identity...once you've done your homework and gotten past the question
of "Who am I", you need to get down to the business of figuring out the far more important question of "why".

"For as long as we possibly can, we make a compromise. We try to live
both lives - the dependent tribal life and the independent personal 
life - as contradictory and opposite as they are."

Dependency is not always such a bad thing.  Being able to turn to other people when
you can't do everything alone is a gift.  In fact, I would argue that complete
personal independence is a myth.  In some ways, having a network of mutual dependence
is a resource far greater than possessing resources alone as an individual. 
"Dependent" is not such a bad word when you realize that it can be a place of power
as well, when you have mutuality.  Being independent is a good thing as well, but it
really isn't an end, but rather a means to an end.  The end is neither dependence or
independence, it's harmony.  To be in harmony is to understand the balance of both
in your life.

"We want approval from others. We want to be accepted and popular. 
We seek this comfort to overcome our fear and feel more secure."

One thing I love being able to tell high school students, is that in real life you don't
need to be "popular".  It just doesn't matter all that much in adult life.  Being popular
in high school, luckily has no bearing on your adult life and is no predictor of sucess.
Believe me, 99.9% of the time, nobody gives a shit if you were popular or not, because it
has nothing to do with the qualities needed to do work, provide for a family, or enjoy your
life.  In fact, being popular may be a handicap because you have to have real competence in
something to succeed as an adult, and competence, unlike popularity is based on far different
standards.
There is security in acceptance, but acceptance can only take you so far.  In the real world
you have to prove yourself in ways that are far different.
In real life, you have to have a purpose, popularity alone will not save you.  There's
a reason why the world works this way...for the most part, you need diversity for society
to function in a healthy fashion.  If everyone wanted to be the same person and do the same
things, there would not be enough places for all these carbon copy people, and society would
not be able to function.  The world only needs so many football players, politicians and
actors.  It is through being different that we find our purpose.

"Nature never repeats herself, and the possibilities of one human soul
will never be found in another." Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Every leaf is unique, but they all grow together on a tree.  If the leaves are weak, the tree
itself will die.  If the tree is not healthy, each leaf, no matter how special, dies with it. 
We are all different, but we live in this world together.  We don't need to look the same, or
act the same, or even think the same, but we do need to realize that we are here for each other's
mutual benefit, for a purpose that ensures that we survive as a whole.
Each leaf comes with unique characteristics, and looks differently than every leaf on the tree.
But the tree itself has many branches and is strong enough to hold up in the wind and rain.
Being different is the only way we can live, but understanding that the whole is made up of it's
parts is what makes it possible to live together in this world, and  benefits us both as
individuals and as a community.

So to my highschool students, this is why it is both necessary and desirable to be "weird" if that
is what you call different.  To the guest of wednesday night why I see you both a human being, and
a black woman, and don't have any trouble reconciling the two in my mind.