Post-partum surrealism (warning, TMI)

Totally TMI, and more than you ever wanted to know, but here’s what the aftermath of giving birth is like.

It's wishful thinking that anything in the universe goes back to normal after you have a baby. Nobody warns you how intense things are about to get after you get through the labor and delivery--an epic event in its own right. I’m here to do just that.

After spending forty weeks having a very intimate bodily experience with another person, apparently it takes a while for the dust to settle. Truth be told, I felt pretty miserable for about a week after the baby was born for a variety of reasons. After feeling like an island of tranquility for most of the pregnancy, my emotional profile was a bit bipolar for the first couple of weeks. One minute I'd be elated, the next feel like the bottom had dropped out. The hormones are quite a roller coaster ride.

Since my little radiator was born, I have been on my own again in the staying warm during winter department. Thankfully I can recreate most of that experience with my Moby Wrap (without having to suffer the vicious heartburn of the third trimester! I've never had so much trouble with my digestive system in my life). Your vagina, perineum, tail bone, and anything else down there will hurt in a way that you have never experienced before. It's been a warzone down there, so it's going to feel sore and swollen. Ice packs and sitz-baths seemed to help. Numbing sprays can help with any stinging or burning, and witch hazel wipes help as well. This can last for a couple weeks, and it's not fun.

If you've had stitches or tears, they will hurt while they're healing. Use a bottle of warm water (called a peri-bottle, which the hospital will probably provide for you) to clean yourself and soothe the pain. If your urine causes burning when it touches tears and stitches, use the peri-bottle while you pee to dilute your urine (or you can even pee in the bathtub filled with warm water...it's gross, but trust me, you won't care!). Drinking lots of water helps to dilute your urine too. Sitz-baths help some. Whatever you do, don't wipe over your stitches! Wiping over your stitches is just painful. Don't even think about doing it. You can gently (very gently) blot your stitches dry after cleaning yourself with water. Witch hazel pads (like those used for hemorrhoids) can help cut down the sting, but remember to blot instead of wipe (you can also put witch hazel pads directly on your sanitary pad if you need to). You can also use a numbing spray, but it can get tricky trying to point the can in the right direction while holding it upright.

Truth be told, I feel like I've been hit by a truck which lasted for about a week, and it’s hard to know how much of it can be blamed on the sleep deprivation. You feel the way you would if every muscle in your body had an intense workout the day before. I felt pretty stiff the first couple of days, and it was hard to get around. This hardly matters because the only thing I felt up for was laying and holding my baby. Once he was born, I didn’t let go of him for days—except to let someone else hold him. I haven't had many problems with postpartum depression thus far. I had lots of help for the first month, and wasn't left alone to muddle through such a major life change while utterly sleep-deprived and basically clueless.