April 1-15

Apr 1-15

nooooooooo!

2005 Apr 14

I think i'm coming down with "the plague". "the plague" of course refers to the bronchial cough cough nasty thing that's going around here. i was so thinking i was in the clear...usually if i don't get something by feb, i'm not gonna get it. but yesterday i felt really strange when i was out...the way you feel when you know you're gonna get hit by a viral freight train. today at work, it hit in the middle of unloading some pallets of lavender. i got so dizzy i had to go home.

this sucks. i HATE being sick. hate it. and the last thing i need is to lose time from work.

And on a completely different note, in response to "Can someone please tell me if this whole cycle of not having goals, making goals for myself, achieving them, and then looking for more ... well.. Does this cycle ever stop?"

I think the answer is no. And it all comes down to the very idea of time itself.

Coincidentally I read the following about 4 hours ago which I feel may be related to the above question well all ask ourselves from time to time...

"What would your soul consider a waste of time? To a soul, the only real time is right NOW. Not the future or the past. she goes on to say that Chronos is clocks, deadlines, watches, calendars, agendas, planners, schedules, beepers. (all the stuff that I suck at...in other words, I have always felt like a complete stranger to linear time, and I know I've written about it more than a few times in here) Chronos is time at her worst....Chronos is the world's time. Kairos is transcendence, infinity, reverence, joy, passion, love, the Sacred. Kairos is intimacy with the Real. (I would also argue that Kairos is the world for cycles of nature, which I have always felt more at home with. You aren't moving forwards or backwards, but rather in a circle, which rather than being a sign of confusion is a natural path of many of the energies of the universe. In the natural word this is obvious, but you have to pay attention to the big picture to understand it, and a lot of things take more than one lifespan to even become clear (history)).

Kairos is time at her best. ...Kairos is Spirit's time. We exist in chronos. We long for kairos. That's our duality.-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

So back to the basic question, I think the cycle of seeking goals, fulfiling them, feeling lost, and finding new goals is life's way of reminding you that your trajectory isn't linear, that there is really no beginning and no end.

The only way you can avoid feeling this way is to become so utterly busy and consumed that you don't have time to think at all. Perhaps this is why people become workaholics...it's easy to keep moving if you don't bother to ask yourself where you are going and why. those are tough questions to find answers to.

So it's not really something that's bad...or even good really. It's just the nature of things.

I was watching Rushmore the other day and they had this song in there that probably sums the whole thing up better than I can...

"I wish that I knew what I know now-when I was younger"

okay, enough philosophy for tonight. I'm gonna go OD on some echinacea and call it a day. Tomorrow's another version of the same thing that happened somewhere to someone sometime before, and will happen again sometime to someone somewhere in the future.

90% water, 100% pisces 110% insane

2005 Apr 11

lots of weird vibes today floating around in the air. or maybe it's just an overload of pollen. i stayed on my own quiet little planet of anal retentive arranging. it was a "state", but not my usual "thing". maybe i'll feel more interactive tomorrow.

what part of "we're closed" do people NOT get? they rolled up a good 15 minutes after closed, and waltzed in the door. that shit just bothers me. don't people understand that we're not 24 hr super walmart? it's a family owned businesses. i'm sure we all have better things to do than cater to the whims of people who can't read the closed sign, don't seem to notice that the display items are taken up for the day, overlook the fact that the register drawers are being emptied, and somehow missed the massive locked gate, but not enough to unlatch it and keep on truckin'. wanna start up the forklift too while you're at it? Maybe we should all clock back in...

sigh. sorry to bitch like this...it's not even my style, but it's rare to find anything to complain about in this line of work other than aching limbs. but some people just don't make the cut. and this is a good example.

in spite of having people like THAT come in once in a blue moon, we are pretty lucky that this sort of thing doesn't happen all the time. and that IS a good thing.

i really wish i could buy up all the blueberries and rhubarb and whatnot but i have to keep reminding myself that i'm moving this summer and can't go crazy buying plants. it's bad enough with what I already have. i'll probably end up donating half of my stuff to people because i won't be able to take any of it with me. but it's so hard not to.

i think dayton has the right idea. buy a bus, rig it up as living quarters and park it somewhere and live in it. fuck apartments, they're so lame. bleh. and keith and his houseboat was always incredibly inspiring. at any rate, they're all pipe dreams, but shit i'd rather live in a cardboard box some times, than another apartment. leases and crappy neighbors suck ass. it all feels like some kinda lousy scam where i get left holding the bag.

i'm a pisces. we're not always the most practical bunch, but in a watery confused world, i think we fit right in, even if it's just in the cracks. but watch out yo, stuff too much water in a crack and we bust out.

windy times

2005 Apr 09

it was supposed to rain all day, so i wore the barn boots, but instead it blew...it was really super gusty all day long. today wasn't quite as strenuous as yesterday's 59 boxes of furniture and two horse trailers of plant material. 5 carts of flats felt like a picnic by way of comparison. Everyone made fun of the boots but if it ever does rain buckets I'll be the one laughing.

I sold a koi today...first one ever. people look at them all the time but i guess nothing motivates like a 20% off sale...What was really amazing is that the fish practically climbed in the net...no extended chase scenes. You'd think I did this every day...

Pretty uneventful for the most part though. i guess that's alright with me really. I'm taking the cbest tomorrow morning and who knows if I'm really ready or not, but oh well. let's just hope for the best, eh?

ho hum

2005 Apr 08

things haven't been too exciting, but that's probably a good thing.

Yesterday I saw the cool ufo clouds over the east mountains that people in mt shasta think are extraterrestrial beings. to me though, they look like big jellyfish in the sky. wish i had a picture, they're a mighty unusual phenomenon in these parts...we're less prone to ufo sightings here, i guess.

i'm really excited about having new headphones and finding a metallica cd at the library. haven't heard this since i was in high school. heck, this was a pre-driving cd. some kid in phoenix let his skateboard wander into traffic and i almost ran over it, then it occurred to me that the last time i was listening to and justice for all, was when i was a sk8rat. dude. luckily no one was harmed by my bad taste in music. ;)

the weather's been real sporadic. nice one minute, raining the next. i think that's to be expected in april. i'm diggin' all the stuff that's blooming except i'm secretly worried i'll come down with a mean case of allergies. now that meth's the rage, buying good over-the-counter meds are a pain in the butt. thanks alot tweakers, fuck y'all and your skinny stay-up-all-night selves. sheesh i hate meth-heads. y'all make crackheads look like straight a students. shit.

"different times"

2005 Apr 03

and an unhappy daylight savings time to you too...let's just say the time change to daylight savings didn't go over so well in our neck of the woods...nobody had any idea what time it really was, so we had no idea when to close the store and no consensus could be reached on the matter. heck even my cell phone has the wrong time on it!

it rained all day, and no doubt it is still raining outside tonight. but long before the clouds came, i did something rather silly with the hose...and ended up good and wet before nature unleashed the deluge on us. as wet as i was though, there was a fair number of people who came out in the horrible weather to do some serious plant shopping. hell, even i'm not THAT hardcore about it. don't get me wrong though...although i hate being wet, and being cold, i am pretty happy about the rain. and i'm sure my peas and carrots are pretty darn happy about it too.

the other day i found a copy of the crow soundtrack from way back in the day and was listening to it on the bus. i reckon this is as good of a song for sunday as any..."It won't rain all the time, The sky won't fall forever, And though the night seems long, your tears won't fall forever."